All the single ladies
Posted by: tremmy on: September 27, 2009
I haven’t updated since I turned 23. I needed the break do do a bit of single-lady soul searching that I long neglected. I’ve done that, fallen in love with school, and am back with a slightly better sense of humor. I’m still getting used to the whole goddess-mentality I suppose I’m supposed to have, but in due time.
In the past 5 weeks, I have known someone who has gotten engaged every single week. On Thursday, best-guy-friend and I are driving up to Rhode Island for my cousin’s wedding. I’m helping my best friend plan her wedding that will be in April. Holy dresses, cake, and 1 Corinthians 13, Batman! It’s not that I was expecting to marry The Ex, per se. In retrospect, I didn’t see that happening at all. I just had this plan of mid-twenties wedding-ing, so I could still be a young-ish mom, but have a few years with my husband to, you know, just be married.
I didn’t think about what happens post-college as far as dating is concerned. I appear to be the youngest person in my Master’s program, as well. The rest of the people there are married, have full-time jobs in addition to school, or other professional things. I have made my friends swear they would cause me to die a slow, painful death if I ever suggested signing up for Match.com or eHarmony, which leads me to my question – how the heck do I meet all of these willing, eligible bachelors?
I live in a very small town in the Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia. All of the guys around here I either know, are already in a frighteningly long-term relationship, or have the mentality of “I’m so artistic it causes me physical pain.” In short, the pool in Shepherdstown runneth dry. It also doesn’t help that I’ve never officially been taken on a date or been in any sort of situation where I’ve found the nerve to flirt with someone I find attractive in some random place. So, now what? I mean. I’m cute. I think I’m funny. I like to make out. I cook, I bake, and I can follow a football game. What’s the problem? (For the sake of my own self-esteem, let’s just treat that as a hypothetical question)
“27 Dresses” has been on HBO a lot recently. This is frustrating, because it makes me feel the same way I feel in church when the sermon for any given week reflects exactly the previous week’s struggles. So now, not only is God following me around putting reflective songs on my radio and poignant sermons in my church, but He’s also controlling my movie channels. Yes, I know I need to get my act together and make the feet I stand on stronger, but do you really need to also point out that I’m 24 dresses away from a cynical columnist writing a news story about me? Why?
You know what was a good concept? Forced marriages. The whole marrying someone who could probably be your father and getting stuck with someone you probably aren’t in love with thing aside, it took the guesswork out of it. Give me courtship and a dowry over awkward ice breakers, any day.
Another year older?
Posted by: tremmy on: July 24, 2009
I write this close to a week separated from my 23rd birthday. A year older? Sure. Closer to adult things like jobs and soul mates? Maybe, you know, technically. A year more mature? Absolutely not, and I’m okay with that. As far as birthdays go, this was one of the best in recent memory, at least the best since my introduction to the twenties back in 06. I had two nights of friends and drinks, which is all a girl really needs.
So, what’s been going on as far as 23 is concerned? As usual, nothing different from 22. Isn’t that funny, how we always expect things to be different when we age another year, but the next day happens in the same fashion as the day before (except without presents and alcohol – what a bleak existence)? Anyway, my summer class wrapped up with the worst final I’ve ever taken in my life (minus accounting, I just shouldn’t have bothered). I have a paper to write that I swear I’ll get on today after I shower. I’m leaving for Chicago in a week for Sigma Alpha Iota national convention. Oh, and I have a sweet new MacBook Pro. I’m sort of in love with it. Other than all that though? Business as usual, I guess.
No one warned me about the twenties. I feel like we should all go through some sort of conditioning before we are forced to enter them. No one told me that starting age 21 everyone I know would get engaged or that by 22 all of my ex-boyfriends pre-college would be married with kids (or just…with kids). No one told me I’d start dropping Benjamins (yeah, I said it) on bridesmaid dresses and foof and taffeta. No one mentioned anything about my biological clock that would suddenly spring into action in a foreign manner whenever I saw a child. No one mentioned anything about the sudden realization of “oh crap, I don’t want anything to do with my degree so I guess I’ll just go to grad school to be a teacher instead.” No one mentioned emotionally invested relationships, ridiculously high-priced drinks, and all of this uncertainty.
Unless I wasn’t paying attention, which is highly possible because I have the attention span of a housefly.
If people told me, they sure as hell didn’t tell me it was going to happen all at once and that some Wednesday morning I was going to grow up an adult completely and utterly unwillingly.
When I was 18, a very good friend of mine and I made a pact that if we were still single when we hit our 30s, we’d marry each other. Well, I just turned 23, and 30 isn’t nearly as far away as it seemed at 18 and I still haven’t been able to find that magic relationship touch that all of my friends who are probably currently looking at bridal shops and engagement rings with longing as I write this have. Maybe the cosmos know that I’m secretly still terrified of all of this. You know, the whole forever thing.
Yuck. If I’m quarter-life crisising like this – my mid-life crisis should be hilarious. So, stay tuned.
If nothing else, blogdience, I’m back. Hope there are still people holding on because I swear to you, I have so much to say at this juncture.
One love.
Everything’s bigger here.
Posted by: tremmy on: July 9, 2009
- In: random
- 2 Comments
Yet again, I made the three-day train journey. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m getting ridiculously good at it. The dry shampoo purchase I made in town before I left was definitely a good one. I only felt about half as gross as I typically do after stepping off of a two and a half day journey because of it.
The ride was both fortunately and unfortunately uneventful. With the exception of sleeping, becuase, let’s face it, being forced to sleep in public with total strangers can’t possibly not be awkward. For the first time, I had a bobber who fell asleep and gradually dropped to my shoulder while I watched Elizabeth on my lap top for my summer class. (PS: Elizabeth I…why didn’t I know before watching that movie that you were a total badass?!) The Amtrak bus from Longview to Houston was possibly the most eventful leg of the trip because the bus driver pulled off the road in God knows where east Texas to buy honey from some guy who sold it out of a shed in front of his house. Anyone who has ever worked with kids knows exactly what happened next – the rest of the bus patrons gathered their cash and cleaned out the guy of his honey stock. But, seriously, HONEY?!
So, here I am in Texas. I had amazing Mexican food today and just laughed with my mom. I have so much fun when I’m with her – it’s a little ridiculous. We had a good ex-bashing session, as well as laughing about other silly things that have gone on in the past few years. It was nice. I come from a genetic combination of very funny people – and I wouldn’t really have it any other way.
I keep going back to stories about the kids and counselors from Gateway. Talking to my partner counselor tonight, we both agreed we wish it could last the entire summer. I miss the kids. I’ve been talking to a few of them on MySpace, but it’s just not the same. Mom just smiles when I talk about them – she said that she’s glad I’ve finally figured out exactly what I need to be doing. I am, too.
It’s just nice to escape for a little while. Shepherdstown is my favorite place on Earth, but I didn’t have time to get away and let the uneasiness of post-break up really set in. I’ve done that now, and when I get back I think life will be back to better than normal. I feel lighter than I have in a very long time, and I’m not just talking about Weight Watchers. I feel happy again, and I feel content, and I feel like I can laugh at silly things without anyone saything anything about it. And that, my friends, is all you really need to feel.
One love.
Where everybody knows your name
Posted by: tremmy on: June 30, 2009
The Group
Alright, blogdience, it has come to my attention (by no one but myself, naturally), that I have been M.I.A for the past two weeks. To be quite honest, I’ve been really getting into writing privately again, which has been a release, even though it has forced me to lurker status on Google Reader. I suppose, like any good student, I should own up to this extended absence as quickly as I possibly can without boring you all with my adventures.
When we last left our hero, she was surviving the worst hangover of her life.
I prepared myself to move into one of the east campus dorms at Shepherd for a few weeks. By east campus, I mean non air conditioned. By non-air conditioned, I definitely mean I slept for the past two weeks in as little as I could deem appropriate with fans poised at me and managed to be okay with it. Why? Because the past two weeks were amazing and I would trade anything in the world to be able to bottle them up and carry them around with me.
Junior High Washington Gateway Academy is the single best experience I have had in probably about a year. I’ve had some amazing experiences in the past year, too, so I’m seriously saying a lot when I say that. The first week of training, I met/got to know better 10 wonderful people who were my co-counselors for the time there. In an attempt to conquer my fear I actually participated with said 10 people in the zipline at the ropes course we went to. I learned a lot about myself, about my leadership qualities, and I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
When the campers got there, the lessons kept creeping into my head when I least expected them. They made me laugh. They made me forget about the week before. They helped me realize that maybe I am finally on the right path. I belong with them. Mentoring them, teaching them. Never again will I consider a stuffy job spending all day with people my own age. I am on the right path and those kids really helped me to realize it. I went to camp as a kid. I was a staff trainee. Even knowing all of this – I never thought I would get so close with these kids after a week. They were so open and so in the moment. They were loud and sort of obnoxious at times – but they were there and totally and completely in the moment. It was incredible.
Just like that, the two weeks were over. Now, it’s back to the silence and reality of post-break-up land that isn’t completely healed yet. Which is fine, I guess. All things in good time, right?
Bye Bye, Emo
Posted by: tremmy on: June 14, 2009
Today was the first day I can actually consider nice since the activities of Wednesday, but before I go into that a breakdown of my weekend.
Friday evening I went to Hagerstown with a couple of friends to see The Hangover. I picked sort of an awkward time so dinner ended up being a bag of movie theater popcorn and a bottle of water. In retrospect, this was a poor choice, because upon returning home from the movie I promptly began drinking to prepare myself for a night at the bar with my friends (who truly, truly mean well). We arrived at the bar around 10:30 or 11. Ex-boyfrend’s cousin was there with his fiancee. I felt uncomfortable, driving me to make frequent trips returning to the bar. I text close to everyone in my phone. There was no dancing, unfortunately, but there was yelling. Then there was puking followed by crying while my best friend’s boyfriend comforted me. Classy.
Saturday morning my alarm clock goes off promptly at 7 a.m. because I needed to be up, showered, and baking Rocky Road Brownies for my alumnae chapter Founder’s Day picnic. I am still intoxicated but manage to shower (and shave!) and bake the brownies without any problems. I begin to come out of drunk and enter hangover and realize that I have never felt as terrible as I feel. Vomiting is still happening and my teeth feel fuzzy despite brushing them several thousand times. My best friend arrives to drive down to Manassas with me as I am trying to stomach a cup of coffee and a mini bagel. Fail. We leave. I am having a hard time driving, but an equally difficult time being a passenger. Best friend takes me home and takes the brownies to the picnic. I lay on the couch in agony for the next two hours.
Saturday afternoon somewhere between the second post-meal-attempt-dry-heave and finally being able to eat a cup of soup and five Ritz crackers I realize that I have been handling this entirely the wrong way. I meet a friend for coffee and a pastry at the Sweet Shop and come home and decide to watch He’s Just Not that into You. I hear this quote:
And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on.
and I realize this chick flick is the only right one there is. I make the decision to start figuring out how this pertains to what is right with me, instead of wrong. (Oh, and I didn’t make it to DC Pride. The sheer thought of the battle of Metro vs my stomach made me want to curl up in a ball)
Which brings me to today the first great day of the past week. I went to church and everything suddenly made sense. I sang the hymns and prayed the prayers and didn’t rush out of the church when the service was over. I talked to some people before leaving, which I should have done for a while. Those people have truly taken me in as family, and I have been too preoccupied with love and school to really care. I spent a lot of time with friends who all told me I seem to be doing much better and who tell me that it is for the best in a way that isn’t just trying to convince me of it. I go on a run and pack up a bag of canned goods to bring to the church. Good things come out of bad things every single time.
Here’s to a new outlook? Have a good week kids. One love.
Am I supposed to feel empowered?
Posted by: tremmy on: June 11, 2009
- In: emo
- 4 Comments
Beyonce, why don’t I want to put my hands up and tell the world that if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it? Kristina Debarge…where is my I’m a single girl swagger? Why haven’t any of my friends said I look better without him, Sara Bareilles? Where is this amazing portrait of singleness? All I see when I look in the mirror is smeared mascara, puffy redness, and blood shot eyes.
Boyfriend and I are no more. As of today. I don’t know what happened, but we’ve gone separate ways. At least, according to him. I was told none of the work I was willing to put in would fix this. So I left the outlets bawling, my mom ready to click the book flight button on the Continental web site and get the next flight out of Houston to Baltimore and spend the rest of the weekend pampering her daughter in West Virginia, and the keys to my house, and mail box were returned tonight. There is no swagger in that. No sir. It’s even official on facebook.
And…I don’t know what to do. I’m lying on my bed watching infomercials for products for women who don’t think they are pretty enough because it’s the only mindless television on that are for women who want to be airbrushed. My eyes hurt from rubbing them and I look like I’ve done too many drugs. My nose is bright red, as is tradition when I cry, and time spent alone is time spent ridding my body of any excess water it has through my tear ducts.
I didn’t see this coming. I knew things weren’t right, but I didn’t know they were this bad. I feel like I was standing on a road with my back to oncoming traffic and didn’t see the giant Mack truck ready to run me over, even though it was blaring its horns the entire time. What happens next? How is it that a person can love someone, but not love them enough? I’ve only ever loved. I didn’t think there was a quantifier to love, but…I’m really bad at math, so I could be wrong. How can someone go from basically living with you to not wanting to see you? How can someone say they care, that they don’t want to hurt you, that this is for the best?
Why is this written about so much, and still no one comes up with an answer? Who the hell decided to let our most vital organ be the one associated with love and relationships? Why my heart?
But, it’s still beating. I have a support group. It’s still beating. I just wish I hadn’t told my mom not to worry about visiting. I really could use some mommy time. Beat. Beat…
Idling
Posted by: tremmy on: June 6, 2009
This week brought on a bittersweet surprise on Wednesday when I logged into my facebook account. When I substituted a few weeks ago, on the teacher’s calendar she marked June 10 with the last day of school for students, her last day was marked as the 14th. So, I assumed that I would at least have the first week of June to sub, assuming teachers that had some sick or vacation days left might want to take a little mental health day before all of the craziness that is the end of the school year.
When I had no calls Monday and Tuesday, I was a little concerned. Wednesday a fraternity sister who is now teaching in the county I substitute in proclaimed excitement for the last day of school. Checking a local newspaper’s calendar made it solid. School in the county I substitute in ended on June 3. No more subbing for me, then, probably until my winter break in December. The surprise week of nothing to do really caught me off guard.
In the past week of nothing to do I’ve been able to enjoy the new Wellness Center and enjoy time with friends I was rarely able to see during the semester. I’ve always spent a lot of time with education majors, and since starting my program it’s really nice to have something in common with them when we talk. I never felt that connection with people in the communications department. There’s really nothing there to be passionate about. I’ve also been able to spend a lot of extra time with the boyfriend, which is also super nice. We also discussed my working in retail vs. food service and I came to the conclusion that while I really hate both, I don’t hate working, I just like being around kids rather than the general cranktastic public.
So, needless to say, I’m excited about the coming weeks. One of my good friends who moved to Rhode Island with her fiance for graduate school is coming into town on Tuesday and we’ll be able to catch up over lunch and I’m meeting with the coordinator of my master’s program to finally officially be accepted into the Master of Arts in Teaching program and register for my fall classes. Somewhere else in this week I’m going into Hagerstown to talk to the Girls Inc. coordinators about the activity I’ll be doing a few times over the summer with the girls at the Hagerstown Municipal Pool.
Following that is a Founder’s Day picnic with my alumnae chapter and two weeks living on campus for the Junior High Washington Gateway program. I suppose somewhere in there I’ll start my reading for my summer class, starting with…buh…Othello. Nothing says happy summer like a good Shakespearean tragedy.
I’m ready to be busy again. This much I know for sure.
Happy weekend, folks. Any good summer plans brewing out there?
One love.
Working on my fitness
Posted by: tremmy on: June 3, 2009
The return to land brought on another set of changes, other than getting my land-legs back. I’ve decided to stop simply talking about getting in significantly better shape, but actually getting into better shape. So, on Sunday, I started my first day on the Weight Watcher’s plan, and so far, it’s the most painless diet I’ve tried. I haven’t had to change much of anything yet. I’ve learned to accept Splenda in my coffee, though I may switch to Truva when the box of that is finished, because I think it’s a more natural option. I hate the thought of chemicals in my coffee, but, my daily cup with sugar in it is significantly worse for me than my daily cup with a small spoonful of Splenda. Other than that – I love skim milk, I really only drink water, and I’m best at cooking chicken. So…so far so good. I’ve found a bunch of really great recipes off of the web site. I have had a lot of friends with a lot of success off of Weight Watchers, and it’s one of the diet plans more frequently backed up by doctors because it actually warrants balanced food consumption of grains, fruits, veggies, and good oils, and even encourages a sweet treat every now and then.
Conveniently enough, the new Wellness Center at Shepherd also opened while I was on vacation. It’s a fantastic facility…air conditioned (if you think that’s a gym-given, spend some time in Shepherd’s old gym in Sara Cree)…really nice equipment, a nice pool, and a track that I might actually be able to run on because it appears to be really low impact. It’s actually very similar to the gym I went to over the summer with my dad. Super nice, state of the art, and clean. I’ve been two days in a row to use the elliptical machines and used the pool today.
Hopefully, I will start a trend and will do more than sit on my butt and watch reality television for yet another summer.
If anyone out there has any healthy alternatives to regular life, please let me know! I’m finding myself more and more open to food ideas.
One love.
I only wish you could see me down in the islands…
Posted by: tremmy on: June 1, 2009
Well…here I am. Home and trying desperately to dry out after too much rum and sunshine after a wonderful vacation. It was absolutely paradise and like always, they dragged me off of the ship kicking and screaming, leaving all of my new waiter and bartender friends behind.
It was pretty magical, getting on the ship and walking up to the pool bar and seeing one of our favorite bartenders from last year’s cruise on this ship. When no one else was sitting at the bar, we asked him if he had been on the Conquest last year and as it turns out, he ended his seven months there (all of the ship employees stay on board for 7 months at a time and then head home for two) shortly after Hurricane Ike and then was transferred to this ship very recently. He remembered us, and we continued to make even more friends during the duration of the ship. Everyone who works on the ship is so friendly. Very few Americans. I honestly wonder how they do it. I certainly couldn’t work for 8-10 hours a day, 7 months out of the year away from my family, only to have a two month vacation and do it all again, while staying cheery and pleasant and serving rum to vacationing American assholes. Just saying. We did manage to get a few of their e-mails to send them pictures and things, which leaves me more satisfied than last year. I don’t know why, I just worry about how future customers treat them.
I programmed a bit of physical activity into the trip, which was sort of a nice counterbalance to frozen drinks and a 24 hour buffet. While in Grank Turk we went on an excursion on a catamaran to snorkel in a wall reef and then go over to a private island to swim. The snorkeling was amazing. They fed some of the fish so you could literally swim right through them. The reef wall dropped off from 25 to 6,000 feet of crystal clear water. After snorkeling, they took us to a private island where we could swim ashore and, you guessed it, drink rum.
Half Moon Cay is a small Bahaman island is actually owned by Holland America cruise lines, but a few years ago Carnival bought a substantial share in the property, so the island solely exists as a getaway. The island’s official name is “Little San Salvador” and is one of the first places where Christopher Columbus landed when he “discovered America.” There, you can get off the ship and walk around on the island. They set up all of the bars on the island and stock them with drinks from the ship and bring the lunch buffet ashore as well. The employees get off first to set everything up. We went on a tropical lagoon kayak tour. Boyfriend told me my cadence was off while kayaking, but I thought it was fantastic. Best part about this island was being able to use our “sign and sail” card (your on ship credit card so you don’t need to carry cash) on the island.
Our last stop was Freeport. The port itself was only mediocre and transportation to our glass bottom boat tour, but the boat was neat. We yet again saw some coral reefs, and there were even a few shark sightings.
All-in-all a fantastically relaxing vacation. I managed to finish three books while on the ship, so I got all of my trash fiction desire out of my system and can start working on the books for my summer class very shortly. Boo.
One love.
